Blog 1 Your Time with your kids:
When it's time for your kids to go back with their Mom, do you ever get that guilty feeling that you didn't do anything with them? That you didn't make any special time for them? Or that you were focused more on other things rather than paying attention to them?
Here are a few quick tips and ideas to help you feel connected and engaged with your kids and leave you feeling like the Dad that you want to be and know you can be.
Okay, this is one of the most asked questions a man, a single dad will have to struggle with. But if you can become creative, you can make your time with your kids very productive, enjoying, and positive for you and the kids. Don't feel bad when your kids go back with their mom and say " I don't want to go back daddys house!" Just get creative, think of what you can do next time you are with them. Make it so they want to be with with. In the words of one great therapist...." if you want people to get out of the kitchen, build a fire in the living room". What I mean by this is to focus on what you want to happen not what you don't want to happen. Sometimes when we get our kids its seems like a chore. Well, if that is what is going on inside your head then that is what your kids will pick up on. Children are very intuitive. More so than you may give them credit for. So they are highly susceptible to everything that you say or do. You may hear over and over that kids are like sponges. Well, they really are. Being in this state means they are adsorbing everything that is put out there in front of them. They will pick up on your mannerisms, body language, facial expression, tone of voice and words that you choose. Trust me, some day when they turn 18 you will see them performing some of the same behaviors that you had while they were growing up. When that happens, it may not be such a great behavior- not one that you are proud of teaching them, and you will kick yourself in the ass for letting that happen. They may yell at one of their siblings or friends, get mad a things that seem small or have eating or money spending habits similar to the ones you have. I don't want to overwhelm you guys but the bottom line is just lighten up! Stop taking yourself so god damn seriously. When your'e with them don't be thinking about checking that dating site, or what your bros are doing tomorrow or the score or Strava (see www.strava.com). Be engaged with your kids,...they are genetically 50% of you! Take ownership. Get on the floor and play candy land, or build something with legos- as much as it may pain you, do it anyway. Suck it up and do it! Be the strong man that they need and step up to the plate. One of the biggest challenges in this area are dads with girls. I'm not saying that you have to put the tutu on and wear the eye shadow. But you can do something with them that is of physical in nature. My daughter has a trampoline that I.....(oops Santa) got her for Christmas. She loves it bouncing on it spontaneously and it helps her get her energy out. She jumps away on it for minutes at a time. Its good exercise. Also, please, for sake of humanity and its future, don't have the TV be your baby sitter. Engage with them.
When it's time for your kids to go back with their Mom, do you ever get that guilty feeling that you didn't do anything with them? That you didn't make any special time for them? Or that you were focused more on other things rather than paying attention to them?
Here are a few quick tips and ideas to help you feel connected and engaged with your kids and leave you feeling like the Dad that you want to be and know you can be.
Okay, this is one of the most asked questions a man, a single dad will have to struggle with. But if you can become creative, you can make your time with your kids very productive, enjoying, and positive for you and the kids. Don't feel bad when your kids go back with their mom and say " I don't want to go back daddys house!" Just get creative, think of what you can do next time you are with them. Make it so they want to be with with. In the words of one great therapist...." if you want people to get out of the kitchen, build a fire in the living room". What I mean by this is to focus on what you want to happen not what you don't want to happen. Sometimes when we get our kids its seems like a chore. Well, if that is what is going on inside your head then that is what your kids will pick up on. Children are very intuitive. More so than you may give them credit for. So they are highly susceptible to everything that you say or do. You may hear over and over that kids are like sponges. Well, they really are. Being in this state means they are adsorbing everything that is put out there in front of them. They will pick up on your mannerisms, body language, facial expression, tone of voice and words that you choose. Trust me, some day when they turn 18 you will see them performing some of the same behaviors that you had while they were growing up. When that happens, it may not be such a great behavior- not one that you are proud of teaching them, and you will kick yourself in the ass for letting that happen. They may yell at one of their siblings or friends, get mad a things that seem small or have eating or money spending habits similar to the ones you have. I don't want to overwhelm you guys but the bottom line is just lighten up! Stop taking yourself so god damn seriously. When your'e with them don't be thinking about checking that dating site, or what your bros are doing tomorrow or the score or Strava (see www.strava.com). Be engaged with your kids,...they are genetically 50% of you! Take ownership. Get on the floor and play candy land, or build something with legos- as much as it may pain you, do it anyway. Suck it up and do it! Be the strong man that they need and step up to the plate. One of the biggest challenges in this area are dads with girls. I'm not saying that you have to put the tutu on and wear the eye shadow. But you can do something with them that is of physical in nature. My daughter has a trampoline that I.....(oops Santa) got her for Christmas. She loves it bouncing on it spontaneously and it helps her get her energy out. She jumps away on it for minutes at a time. Its good exercise. Also, please, for sake of humanity and its future, don't have the TV be your baby sitter. Engage with them.
In the winter, take your kids to learn how to ski or sleigh ride at the local hill. Both boys and girls get into that. Build an ice rink in your back yard. If you want to know how to do it just google "backyard ice rink". Very cool.
Okay back to the TV. I'm not saying that you shouldn't watch a movie with your kids. Just don't make it the first go to thing that you guys do. In fact, movies can be a great way to connect with your kids. Again another things that both girls and boys enjoy. Most of the kids movies out there (especially Disney/Pixar) are geared to entertain adults too. So don't think it's too manly to watch the animated features. There are little innuendos and situations that are very entertaining for adults too. I'm not big on role playing ( tea party's etc) are but Lily and I will watch a movie. The movie turns out to be something we both really enjoy. And before you know it, we are quoting lines from the movie to each other, acting out scenes and etc. She gets a real kick out of it. Even days after the movie is over. Especially if you have watched the move 15,000 times, like a lot of little ones will do, you start to be able to memorize the lines....its crazy. One of my favorities is a scene from Hotel Transylvania 2 (Adam Sandler) where "Vlad" shows up and say we have to, "scare the fangs out of the little fellow" (you have to see it). We just keep quoting the line "hare the hangs" to each other throughout the day. Lily and I laugh at that and say it to each other all of the time. Its these little things like that help to bond a relationship. I made a commitment to myself, that since I wasn't really as engaged with my two previous daughters now 22 and 24, that I would be really connected with Lily. So we are buddies....at least I think so.
And you can do that too. Just treat is as if it were a goal. live in the moment. Take it 15 minutes at a time. Don't look at the clock thinking about when Mom is coming to pick them up.
Okay so you're on a budget. I can relate. Outdoor activities are usually very inexpensive. Get out doors with your kids. Think like a kid thinks. If your kid is into video games, start brushing up on your digital dexterity. Learn about them. Don't make video gaming a fight. Try to be involved in the game too. Figure out how to play. Most times they won't teach you, or they will act like they are helping you but lure you into screwing up so that destroy you. So, watch out for that little trick. What I am saying though is learn it like its a job. I don't think that having your kid sit on the video game all day it is good for anyone but what I am saying is that if your kid is into it then embrace it. Try to relate.
Okay back to the TV. I'm not saying that you shouldn't watch a movie with your kids. Just don't make it the first go to thing that you guys do. In fact, movies can be a great way to connect with your kids. Again another things that both girls and boys enjoy. Most of the kids movies out there (especially Disney/Pixar) are geared to entertain adults too. So don't think it's too manly to watch the animated features. There are little innuendos and situations that are very entertaining for adults too. I'm not big on role playing ( tea party's etc) are but Lily and I will watch a movie. The movie turns out to be something we both really enjoy. And before you know it, we are quoting lines from the movie to each other, acting out scenes and etc. She gets a real kick out of it. Even days after the movie is over. Especially if you have watched the move 15,000 times, like a lot of little ones will do, you start to be able to memorize the lines....its crazy. One of my favorities is a scene from Hotel Transylvania 2 (Adam Sandler) where "Vlad" shows up and say we have to, "scare the fangs out of the little fellow" (you have to see it). We just keep quoting the line "hare the hangs" to each other throughout the day. Lily and I laugh at that and say it to each other all of the time. Its these little things like that help to bond a relationship. I made a commitment to myself, that since I wasn't really as engaged with my two previous daughters now 22 and 24, that I would be really connected with Lily. So we are buddies....at least I think so.
And you can do that too. Just treat is as if it were a goal. live in the moment. Take it 15 minutes at a time. Don't look at the clock thinking about when Mom is coming to pick them up.
Okay so you're on a budget. I can relate. Outdoor activities are usually very inexpensive. Get out doors with your kids. Think like a kid thinks. If your kid is into video games, start brushing up on your digital dexterity. Learn about them. Don't make video gaming a fight. Try to be involved in the game too. Figure out how to play. Most times they won't teach you, or they will act like they are helping you but lure you into screwing up so that destroy you. So, watch out for that little trick. What I am saying though is learn it like its a job. I don't think that having your kid sit on the video game all day it is good for anyone but what I am saying is that if your kid is into it then embrace it. Try to relate.
Another inexpensive activity is to take them down to the local Y. They have a pool at most Ys and if you're not a member, for minimal fee you can get a day pass. If you tell them you heard about them on thesingledadnetwork and they will probably let you go for a free trial. Swim in the pool with them, play basket ball with them, run around the track with them. If you want to feed their creative side, paint with them. Kids love that. Drawing with them creates a bond and is relatable to them. You guys are in it together. Teach your kids to save money. Get them a piggy bank. Set a goal for your savings that you can do together. Lily and I have a vacation fun. I have a place that I put my spare change into and every time we do it we reinforce the fact that we are going on vacation with that money. She has a "cat boy" piggy bank. When they are filled we are going to use it for our vacation. Or for a day trip. Just something that you can do to work together and create a team like situation with your kids.
If you are not on a budget, go to the movies, walk around the mall, or go skiing. If you go skiing with your kids, make it about them. Especially if they are learning. Don't stress yourself out by trying to squeeze in a few runs while they are waiting for you. They will grow to hate it.
One last thing that will help you and your kids, that I do on a daily basis is meditate. Meditation will help you slow down your thoughts process and allow you think about and observe what you are doing and how you are acting before it becomes a problem. It allows you to meditate some of frustration before it becomes anger. If you meditate daily for at least 20 mins per day, you will start being able to observe your thought process and see what is going on inside your head. You will eventually be able to simply observe those thoughts rather spontaneously acting on them. Try to mediation 10 mins before you get your kids. Or while you have them. Go into your room or that bathroom (they know better than to bother you there right?) and take some deep breaths and close your eyes and just have some mindful awareness. It helps! When you feel overwhelmed and you are feeling like you are getting impatient take a few moments and do this I think you will thank yourself for it.
If you are not on a budget, go to the movies, walk around the mall, or go skiing. If you go skiing with your kids, make it about them. Especially if they are learning. Don't stress yourself out by trying to squeeze in a few runs while they are waiting for you. They will grow to hate it.
One last thing that will help you and your kids, that I do on a daily basis is meditate. Meditation will help you slow down your thoughts process and allow you think about and observe what you are doing and how you are acting before it becomes a problem. It allows you to meditate some of frustration before it becomes anger. If you meditate daily for at least 20 mins per day, you will start being able to observe your thought process and see what is going on inside your head. You will eventually be able to simply observe those thoughts rather spontaneously acting on them. Try to mediation 10 mins before you get your kids. Or while you have them. Go into your room or that bathroom (they know better than to bother you there right?) and take some deep breaths and close your eyes and just have some mindful awareness. It helps! When you feel overwhelmed and you are feeling like you are getting impatient take a few moments and do this I think you will thank yourself for it.
Bottom line here guys is that being a man isn't always paying the billings and making sure that you are the lubricant in the financial cogs. You are a huge role model for your children. You have the power to shape a persons life in a way that is positive and productive or negative and miserable. The choice is yours. Your future depends on it. Do you want to be that guy regretting your time with your kids or do you want to be that MAN positively impacting in a thoughtful, deliberate, calm, caring way. Man or mouse....up to you.
Comments, questions and insights are welcome.
ReplyDelete