Thankfully, persistence is a great substitute for talent.

Nothing that is worth having in life is easy to get.

Kurt Vonnegut once said when he writes, he feels like a arm-less leg-less man with a crayon in his mouth.

Talent is given, greatness is earned...

Take responsibility and change your life

The chapters of my life...

Chapter I

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost... I am hopeless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.
Chapter II
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in this same place.
But it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.
Chapter III
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it there.
I still fall in... it's a habit... but,
my eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.
Chapter IV
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
Chapter V
I walk down another street.
Wayne Dyer Quote from Portia Nelson

taken from:

Bangkok- Dr. Wayne Dyer's Mastermind Study Group Message Board ›

Putting problems into perspective

“If all our misfortunes were laid in one common heap whence everyone must take an equal portion, most people would be content to take their own and depart.”
-Socrates

Credit to Gary John Bishop

UPDATE: A lesson in observation...and persistence

My 4 year old daughter loves the kiddie pool at the Y (YMCA) and we go there as much as possible as it allows her to socialize with other kids and get in some exercise. After wading around a bit she decided she would play with the little rubber ducks that are there for the kids entertainment. At this particular pool rubber ducks are provided in the pool and allowed to float around for the kids to play with- or throw at each other...but obviously that behavior is frowned upon in this particular establishment. Many kids have found creative things to do with the ducks but most of the time they are just ignored (especially by the male patrons) and allowed to float around aimlessly. Doomed to a life of visual enjoyment only. On this day the ducks were poised to be a catalyst for human behavior. But I digress. My daughter was gathering the ducks and setting them up alongside the pool, stacking them in the center of each tile that lined the deck on the outside of the pool. After stacking a few she would return to the water to gather up some more and continue to place them on the tiles. Before long she started to get a modest accumulation of the little guys all lined up on one section of the pool. Seeing this, some boys, possibly ages 8 & 9,  came along and decided to sweep them off of the side of the pool and back into the water. My daughter mildly protested and then collected up more ducks and continued on with her project. Each time, the boys would come back and push the ducks back into the water. Three or four consecutive times I stood by and observed, allowing the whole situation to unfold (dirty looks don't count). It was an interesting observation in human nature. But, she kept free building. Ignoring them. Rebuilding and rebuilding each time. Pretty soon her positive activities attracted some helpful bystanders who assisted in gathering the ducks up with her and giving them to her, so that she could set more up. Just as they had done before, the boys came back when they saw she was being helped. And just as they had done before, they destroyed it again. My daughter kept rebuilding which seemed to attract even more positive energy and even more kids that helped her get the ducks and set them on the tiles. A third time the seemingly envious boys came back and destroyed the duck creation. After the boys went away this time, I went over to her and I told her how much I appreciated and admired her persistence and that I was also proud of how she kept rebuilding. 
Then, a very interesting shift in the pattern started to occur. The destructive kids came over and started to help to gather up the ducks too. The boys were collecting them up, handing them to her so that she could complete her project. Before long, all of the kids were helping and giving the ducks to my 4 year old daughter. It was a very interesting dynamic that occurred and unfolded before me. 

    I think one of the biggest lessons here is when someone decides to build something and make something new there will always be people that will be jealous and want to destroy it- it's just human nature. But the important thing is to just keep fighting.... keep persisting... keep building and rebuilding. Even with the destructive nature of other humans. Many times the positive energy of building and rebuilding attracts other people who want to be helpful. A very interesting lesson. 

    The additional lesson that we could all benefit from here as parents, is the subtle art of observation and restraint. Sometimes its okay to allow the natural consequences of life to unfold with our children. When they learn through their own experience they gain an understanding of the world that is much more powerful than simply being told what to do and what not to do. In other words, we don't always have to save or rescue our children from the negative things in life. Sometimes those experiences are helpful. I believe that my daughter learned a very powerful lesson that day. Persistence. And she also learned that if she goes about her business in a positive way with positive intentions that she can potentially attract others into her life that will help her with her intentions. My daughter had an intention that day. To build a row of ducks. She saw it in her mind before it was ever complete. With her intention she manifested her goal. 

    After my daughter had almost all the ducks set up and lined up the way she wanted them, she was done. she waded away and went to play in another part of the pool. The Ducks remained there and the positive energy and persistence seemed to come off on to the others. She came back a few minutes later, ducks still there, and decided that she would sweep the ducks into the water herself. She was proud of what she had created. I was proud of how she got it accomplished.

Take a Road Trip

As kids move through their teen years, it is, of course, normal for them to become more independent.  This is usually most obvious in how much time the DON'T want to spend with you - ha ha.  It's kinda hard to not take it personally sometimes.  But you have to remind yourself that you did the same thing at that age.

My mother told me that some of her favorite times with us teenagers was while driving in the car.  She always said there was something disarming about everyone looking out the window, and chatting.  I did not remember this until a recent great conversation with my 17-year old daughter.

She is active at school, also with outside activities and has a boyfriend. There's been a little friction lately as she is not around much.  Conversations were short and often mildly agitated.  Then, we got stuck in traffic one afternoon, and that caused us to break from the routine conversation.  The extended time allowed us to go a little deeper in our talk.  It was great.

Shortly after that, we took a road trip to visit a college.  This meant many hours in a car.  But i have to confirm what my mother had said.  This facilitated many in-depth discussions across many aspects of life.  It felt almost like we started over.

And even though life went back to the busy routine, she and I had bonded in a new way that has continued over the past two months.

Take a road trip, or try to engage with your teen while driving.  I bet you you have a similar experience.

Structure = Simple

One of the toughest parts after a divorce is moving to a new "normal" with regard to your children living at two houses.  Everything is different, and will be an adjustment for everyone.  After the initial process of getting settled in, the kids will notice the different parenting styles and expectations at each house.

I received excellent advice on this topic.

One of the differences between myself and my ex-wife was clearly in the department of discipline.  Not punishment, but rather, structure and how a home should run.  These differences came to light rather quickly, and was reflected in the behavior of the kids.

Mom was much more lenient (read: fun) while dad developed a routine (read: not fun).  But I was encouraged to establish this quickly, and stick to it, and the payoff would be soon, and easy.
Well, it did not start out easy when the kids resisted, or made comments about staying up later at mom's.  Sometime's even lamenting it was  better over there.  That hurts, right?  I'm here to convince you to stay the course - it will be worth it.

The truth is, kids crave structure and routine (despite what they say).  It gives them security and comfort knowing what to expect.  They will be calmer and sleep better.  Soon they know it is time to get into pajamas, brush teeth, etc. If clothes are always picked out the night before, mornings are peaceful and easy.

This is where you want to be.  Well-rested kids who know what the household expectations are.  Resist the temptation to let them stay up late (you're feeling guilty, but guilt is for something you have done wrong - not applicable here).

It was not long before my house was running like a well-oiled machine.  Interestingly enough, I would hear about all the morning chaos at mom's, or all the drama about going to bed at night.  The ex-wife chose no structure, and had problems.  And miraculously, at my house, there was none of that.  Same kids - totally different behavior because of the environment.

I think you intrinsically know this.  I did deep down too, but I needed the repeated encouragement to stay on track.  So, stay on track!  A little effort now will avoid long-term friction.

Dads time with the kids

Blog 1 Your Time with your kids:
When it's time for your kids to go back with their Mom, do you ever get that guilty feeling that you didn't do anything with them? That you didn't make any special time for them? Or that you were focused more on other things rather than paying attention to them?
Here are a few quick tips and ideas to help you feel connected and engaged with your kids and leave you feeling like the Dad that you want to be and know you can be.
Okay, this is one of the most asked questions a man, a single dad will have to struggle with. But if you can become creative, you can make your time with your kids very productive, enjoying, and positive for you and the kids. Don't feel bad when your kids go back with their mom and say " I don't want to go back daddys house!" Just get creative, think of what you can do next time you are with them. Make it so they want to be with with. In the words of one great therapist...." if you want people to get out of the kitchen, build a fire in the living room". What I mean by this is to focus on what you want to happen not what you don't want to happen. Sometimes when we get our kids its seems like a chore. Well, if that is what is going on inside your head then that is what your kids will pick up on. Children are very intuitive. More so than you may give them credit for. So they are highly susceptible to everything that you say or do. You may hear over and over that kids are like sponges. Well, they really are. Being in this state means they are adsorbing everything that is put out there in front of them. They will pick up on your mannerisms, body language, facial expression, tone of voice and words that you choose. Trust me, some day when they turn 18 you will see them performing some of the same behaviors that you had while they were growing up. When that happens, it may not be such a great behavior- not one that you are proud of teaching them, and you will kick yourself in the ass for letting that happen. They may yell at one of their siblings or friends, get mad a things that seem small or have eating or money spending habits similar to the ones you have. I don't want to overwhelm you guys but the bottom line is just lighten up! Stop taking yourself so god damn seriously. When your'e with them don't be thinking about checking that dating site, or what your bros are doing tomorrow or the score or Strava (see www.strava.com). Be engaged with your kids,...they are genetically 50% of you! Take ownership. Get on the floor and play candy land, or build something with legos- as much as it may pain you, do it anyway. Suck it up and do it! Be the strong man that they need and step up to the plate. One of the biggest challenges in this area are dads with girls. I'm not saying that you have to put the tutu on and wear the eye shadow. But you can do something with them that is of physical in nature. My daughter has a trampoline that I.....(oops Santa) got her for Christmas. She loves it bouncing on it spontaneously and it helps her get her energy out. She jumps away on it for minutes at a time. Its good exercise. Also, please, for sake of humanity and its future, don't have the TV be your baby sitter. Engage with them.

In the winter, take your kids to learn how to ski or sleigh ride at the local hill. Both boys and girls get into that. Build an ice rink in your back yard. If you want to know how to do it just google "backyard ice rink".  Very cool.
    Okay back to the TV. I'm not saying that you shouldn't watch a movie with your kids. Just don't make it the first go to thing that you guys do. In fact, movies can be a great way to connect with your kids. Again another things that both girls and boys enjoy. Most of the kids movies out there (especially Disney/Pixar) are geared to entertain adults too. So don't think it's too manly to watch the animated features. There are little innuendos and situations that are very entertaining for adults too. I'm not big on role playing ( tea party's etc) are but Lily and I will watch a movie. The movie turns out to be something we both really enjoy. And before you know it, we are quoting lines from the movie to each other, acting out scenes and etc. She gets a real kick out of it. Even days after the movie is over. Especially if you have watched the move 15,000 times, like a lot of little ones will do, you start to be able to memorize the lines....its crazy. One of my favorities is a scene from Hotel Transylvania 2 (Adam Sandler) where "Vlad" shows up and say we have to, "scare the fangs out of the little fellow" (you have to see it). We just keep quoting the line "hare the hangs" to each other throughout the day. Lily and I laugh at that and say it to each other all of the time. Its these little things like that help to bond a relationship. I made a commitment to myself, that since I wasn't really as engaged with my two previous daughters now 22 and 24, that I would be really connected with Lily. So we are buddies....at least I think so.
And you can do that too. Just treat is as if it were a goal. live in the moment. Take it 15 minutes at a time. Don't look at the clock thinking about when Mom is coming to pick them up.
Okay so you're on a budget. I can relate. Outdoor activities are usually very inexpensive. Get out doors with your kids. Think like a kid thinks. If your kid is into video games, start brushing up on your digital dexterity. Learn about them. Don't make video gaming a fight. Try to be involved in the game too. Figure out how to play. Most times they won't teach you, or they will act like they are helping you but lure you into screwing up so that destroy you. So, watch out for that little trick. What I am saying though is learn it like its a job. I don't think that having your kid sit on the video game all day it is good for anyone but what I am saying is that if your kid is into it then embrace it. Try to relate. 

Another inexpensive activity is to take them down to the local Y. They have a pool at most Ys and if you're not a member, for minimal fee you can get a day pass. If you tell them you heard about them on thesingledadnetwork and they will probably let you go for a free trial. Swim in the pool with them, play basket ball with them, run around the track with them. If you want to feed their creative side, paint with them. Kids love that. Drawing with them creates a bond and is relatable to them. You guys are in it together. Teach your kids to save money. Get them a piggy bank. Set a goal for your savings that you can do together. Lily and I have a vacation fun. I have a place that I put my spare change into and every time we do it we reinforce the fact that we are going on vacation with that money. She has a "cat boy" piggy bank. When they are filled we are going to use it for our vacation. Or for a day trip. Just something that you can do to work together and create a team like situation with your kids.
    If you are not on a budget, go to the movies, walk around the mall, or go skiing. If you go skiing with your kids, make it about them. Especially if they are learning. Don't stress yourself out by trying to squeeze in a few runs while they are waiting for you. They will grow to hate it.
  One last thing that will help you and your kids, that I do on a daily basis is meditate. Meditation will help you slow down your thoughts process and allow you think about and observe what you are doing and how you are acting before it becomes a problem. It allows you to meditate some of frustration before it becomes anger. If you meditate daily for at least 20 mins per day, you will start being able to observe your thought process and see what is going on inside your head. You will eventually be able to simply observe those thoughts rather spontaneously acting on them. Try to mediation 10 mins before you get your kids. Or while you have them. Go into your room or that bathroom (they know better than to bother you there right?) and take some deep breaths and close your eyes and just have some mindful awareness. It helps! When you feel overwhelmed and you are feeling like you are getting impatient take a few moments and do this I think you will thank yourself for it.

    Bottom line here guys is that being a man isn't always paying the billings and making sure that you are the lubricant in the financial cogs. You are a huge role model for your children. You have the power to shape a persons life in a way that is positive and productive or negative and miserable. The choice is yours. Your future depends on it. Do you want to be that guy regretting your time with your kids or do you want to be that MAN positively impacting in a thoughtful, deliberate, calm, caring way. Man or mouse....up to you.